Losing Him
by YL
Summary: [Ichigo x Rukia] He is fading away. Will she be able to hold on to him? Rukia's thoughts. Spoiler: Till 190 ONE SHOT


**Disclaimer: **Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite (who is torturing us with his current storyline). Everything else is mine.

**Warning (if you didn't read summary warning): **Spoilertill Chapter 190

**Notes: **One Shot. Ichigo x Rukia. This is my fourth Bleach fanfic, and I haven't done any other pairing other than Ichigo and Rukia. Goodness, it's been ten chapters (I've read up to 191)since Rukia's gone and she isn't back yet? KT is just driving me crazy...

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**Losing Him**

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Rukia glanced over at Ichigo, who was sitting at his desk with a pen in his hand and his head bent over his homework. At first glance, anyone might conclude that he was just concentrating on his work, but Rukia could see that he was not. His eyes were not watching the words on his paper. They were just staring blankly into nothingness, dwelling in his own innermost thoughts, thoughts that she knew he would refuse to share with her even if she prodded. And these days, he was often losing concentration, sometimes even in the middle of battling a Hollow. It was not like him.

The grasp he had on his pen tightened and the crease between his brows deepened as he took in a deep breath and shut his eyes. Then, with a controlled sigh, he rested his arm on its elbow and pressed his head against the hilt of his hand. Rukia frowned as she watched him. His breathing was loud, nearly like a pant, and there was a slight tremor in his body. She knew that something was seriously wrong.

There was a second of hesitation, but she closed her book decisively and hopped off his bed. She bent over and covered her hand gently over his tightly clenched fist. "Are you all right?"

Silence replied her.

Biting her lower lip, she removed her hand and slumped onto the floor and leaned against the wall. She raised her head, seeing that Ichigo's eyes were still unopened and he appeared to be blatantly ignoring her. She released a sigh as she hugged her own legs and rested her chin on her knees.

Ichigo was a brat. Always was. He had the obstreperous behavior of a brat while he pretended that he was an adult who knew it all. He acted like he had to be solely responsible for anything and everything. He believed that masochism was the best way to be a man. He was an over-protective, over-bearing brat. And a brat that was too stubborn for his own good.

But she was not mad at him. In the past, she might be, because she knew that he was just a person with crass words and audacious actions. That was the way he was. But now, he seemed to be slipping away slowly. In the beginning, whenever she took a step forward, he would take a step back. If she took two steps forward, he would take two steps back. But recently it had gotten worse, for with each step she took forward, he would retreat from her with a greater number of steps.

She was worried about him.

Even when he acted like he was opening up, she could see that behind that openness were more closed doors. She did not understand why. Under that pretense, were just more pretenses. To the eyes of the outsiders, it might seem that he was less ill-tempered and perhaps even more approachable now, but she knew that it was not the case. He was just getting more and more distant. The doors she had yet to find a chance to open were now all barred and locked. She could not find the keys to open them. She was losing the man she got to know.

She fingered the bracelet around her wrist. It was a simple silver bracelet, with tiny gems studded at the edge. Ichigo had secretly bought it for her after she commented that it looked lovely on the display. She remembered the excitement when she saw him pull out the gift from his pocket. She remembered the elation when he wore it around her wrist and gruffly told her that she had better not lose it. She rememberedthe warmth when his hands lingered by her wrist for a moment after he placed it on.

And she remembered the chill when she gave Ichigo a similar masculine version of the silver bracelet a few weeks later. He stared at the bracelet blankly for a second, his lips quivered like he was wondering what he was to say. With a tight smile, a shuddering "thank you" and a pair of saddened eyes, his fingers closed around the gift. He was struggling. There was confusion in his eyes. There was uncertainty. There was fear. She wanted to ask why but she did not. She did not want to know why. She was afraid of what he would tell her.

And now he was slipping further and further away.

"What would you do when you see a Hollow?"

Rukia head shot up to look at Ichigo upon hearing his voice.

"You would attack it, wouldn't you?"

She knitted her brow a little tighter than it already was. She did not understand what Ichigo was getting at, asking such rhetorical questions. That was exactly what _he_ had been doing since he was a shinigami. He understood that killing a Hollow would just be releasing the Hollow of the pain that they hold on to in the human realm. So he always did his job dutifully, so that Hollows and spirits alike could move on to the next world.

"And the Visored?"

She took in a sharp breath at that question. She heard its ominous tone and understood the implications it had.

"If they lose control, if they become their Hollow form…"

She wanted him to stop. She did not want to hear this. She knew what he was getting at. She knew… and she did not want to acknowledge it.

"You would do the same, wouldn't you?"

Her face winced. She did not want to hear this. No. She really did not.

"It's getting louder you know."

Her eyes lowered, her lips pressed tightly into a thin line and her fists clenched till the nails were cutting slightly into her own skin. She understood. She understood the pendulum that kept swinging back and forth within Ichigo. Into insanity and back, into insanity and back, into insanity and back.

"It's getting so loud… that sometimes, I feel like I can no longer hear myself. What if…"

Rukia quickly got to her knees and hugged him around his waist, her hold secure and her hands clutching onto his shirt. There was a clear desperate feel to it all. "Don't."

"But…"

"No," she cut him off brusquely.

She pressed her head hard against his ribs and tightened her hug even more. "You'll hear yourself. You'll hear the ones you want to protect. You'll hear the ones that care about you."

She paused as she squeezed her eyes shut, willing her tears not to come.

"You'll hear me."

There was no response.

She did not want such a day to come. She did not want a day to come when he would lose his reason and point his sword at her. She did not want a day to come when she would be forced to point her sword back at him. She did not want a day to come when she would lose him.

"You'll hear me," she insisted.

His hand then reached down, the bracelet around his wrist lightly brushed against her own as he took her hand in a firm clasp.

"Mm," he promised.

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**- End -**

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**Post-Story Notes: **I hope you liked it! I'm just really... I don't know. Busy. I want to update my other two stories, but I haven't got the time because I'm still trying to figure out some other things in them. So I decided to entertain myself by writing a oneshot first and hopefully you guys enjoyed it too!

I didn't really think too much into the story cos I got up at 2.30am in the morning last week with this idea of writing a oneshot. And then started typing like crazy. Hope there isn't too many contradictions or mistakes or whatever you can find. When you get up in the middle of the night to type a story, your brain won't be feeling too logical as well. Heh. I did edit it, but it's 2.45am in the morning right now, and I'm only human, so there's only so much quality that I can try to deliver.

I believed the Shinigami cum Hollow people (including Ichigo)are called Visored right? I think that is what someone told me.

Okay. I should stop yakking now. Man, I really should learn to sleep normal if I want to stop missing classes in the morning.

I REALLY hope you guys like it! Thanks for reading! I love all you people who read my fanfics! Hugs and Kisses to all! Umm... maybe you guys like cookies too? People seem to like to give out cookies around here.

- gives out chocolate chip cookies to all readers -

Yes. I love chocolate. :D

Thanks again for reading!


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